Repetition: We are what we repeatedly do

We are what we repeatedly do. Even if no thought is given to the art of parenting, children learn by experience a way of being in the world. Their experience of normal in the early years naturally and inevitably becomes the standard by which they judge all other experience. What parents present to them as good and bad, worthy and unworthy, likewise inevitably defines their norms.

Perhaps the most poignant example is the family meal. Does a family eat together on a regular basis? If so, what happens? Do they watch television together? Or do they have a conversation? Do they listen to one another, or is everyone talking at once? Around this table, or this television (as the case may be), children learn how to interact with other people through repeated experiences. If it is objected that watching television together isn’t interaction, and doesn’t teach interaction, they’ve missed the central point. Any repeated experience, whatever it is, establishes a child’s sense of norms and normal. For some, the focal point of that interaction may be a screen, instead of another person; and this will have significant repercussions.

Is the media to blame for social ills?

It is quite popular to blame social decay on “the media,” which glorify violence, insolence and irresponsibility. But the question must be asked: Who are the gatekeepers of media? Who chooses what books to read, which magazines to browse, which channels to watch, what movies to see, and what websites to surf? The answer, of course, is parents.

When parents abdicate this responsibility of selecting, embracing and celebrating the good, true and beautiful through these diverse media, then toxic waste can and does flow through these channels into the homes and lives of young children. That this happens when parents abdicate their responsibility is itself a demonstration that the responsibility belongs to them, and that they wield unmatched influence on the nurture of their children.

The Apprenticeship of Being Human

Early childhood is the apprenticeship of being human. Like the apprenticeship of an artist, it is composed of both explicit instruction and continual modeling within a personal relationship. The disproportionate influence of these early years lies in the fact that apprenticeship occurs constantly in children’s most primary relationships during a period of unparalleled brain growth that has a lifelong impact on a child’s character, competence, creativity, health and ability to collaborate. For better or for worse, the family is the studio in which children begin the apprenticeship of being human.