The Remedy for the Opportunity Gap

In a July 9, 2012 Op-ed titled The Opportunity Gap, New York Times columnist David Brooks identifies and laments that “children of the more affluent and less affluent are raised in starkly different ways and have different opportunities” – opening up an even greater chasm in society that threatens the social fabric.

Brooks wisely notes that while money plays a significant role, there is a huge gap in the time that parents of different educational levels invest in their children, and that the marriage gap plays a huge role in the time available to invest in children. He recognizes that the earliest years are the critical gap: “This attention gap is largest in the first three years of life when it is most important.”

Brooks offers two prescriptions for the opportunity gap: liberals need to insist that marriage comes before childbearing; and conservatives need to be willing to pay (in increased taxes or reduced benefits) for “programs that benefit the working class.”

There is another, more radical, prescription. It is for advantaged parents to build personal relationships with, and support, disadvantaged parents – especially in that critical period of early childhood.This approach has a host of benefits: (1) it doesn’t engage in blind finger pointing at either the “out of touch elites” or the “morally inferior underclass”, (2) cultural transmission of important values happens relationally rather than merely programmatically, and (3) perhaps most obviously it bridges widening social gaps by bringing people with very different experiences together – physically and relationally.

I have no illusions that this is easy. It isn’t; it is very hard work. But think about it this way: If you were poor or working class, who would you listen to? Policy pundits who say to get married before you have kids and enroll in government programs that address your issues, or real people who help you change diapers, listen to your story, and join you in reading books with your children? I can tell you whom I would trust more . . .

Inheritance of Hope podcasts

A few years ago, I had the privilege of interviewing Deric and Kristen Milligan for two podcasts. I was reminded recently of the importance of what they do, and that these audio tracks need to be replayed.

Supporting Struggling Families with Deric Milligan
The founder of Inheritance of Hope helps listeners understand how to care for families enduring terminal illness.

Talking to Kids about Death with Kristen Milligan
The author of A Train’s Rust, A Toymaker’s Love (a mother of three, who has a rare form of cancer) shares personal experiences on using literature to talk with kids about mortality.

The Rediscovery of Character and The Heretical Imperative

In a New York Times op-ed yesterday, David Brooks highlighted the legacy of James Q. Wilson. Brooks argues that Wilson should be remembered not just for his “broken windows” theory on how to reduce crime, but for his emphasis on the importance of character for social well-being.

“At root,” Wilson wrote in 1985 in The Public Interest, “in almost every area of important concern, we are seeking to induce persons to act virtuously, whether as schoolchildren, applicants for public assistance, would-be lawbreakers or voters and public officials.

Character is formed, necessarily, in community; and therefore the beliefs, values, and habits of the community are of utmost importance. That truth makes our current situation all the more disturbing. Peter Berger, a sociologist, has described our time as being constrained by “the heretical imperative.” We are commanded to choose our own values, beliefs, and religion. The normative structures that were passed down from generation to generation through tradition (meaning ‘to hand down’ or ‘to hand over’) are now challenged. The new norm is to choose your own.

The rediscovery of character as important is important. However, it is only the first step. Wilson was raised in a nation and generation that had a rich an stable tradition handed down to it. Our children desperately need a rich, robust tradition that tells them virtue is a norm to which they must conform – not one which they may define as they so please. Our children will be bear the fruit of our character, as they are apprenticed to us in discerning and cultivating virtue.

French Parenting and Apprenticeship

NPR recently interviewed Pamela Druckerman, the author of Bringing up Bebe, on her observations of the uniqueness of French styles of parenting, and particularly what contributes to content, well-adjusted kids.

“We [Americans] assume … a little more that kids have inherent likes and dislikes, whereas the French view on food is the parent must educate their child and that appreciation for different food is something you cultivate over time,” Druckerman says.

One key to this cultivation of tastes appears to be exposure. Druckerman points out that in France, “there is no category of food called kids’ food. Kids and adults, from the start, eat the same thing.”

French parenting, like tiger parenting, helicopter parenting, and free-range parenting, is a mode of apprenticeship. It is initiating children into a way of seeing and experiencing the world. Children learn from their parents continually and implicitly what is normal and what is normative. In France, for example, it is normal for children to eat the same food as their parents, and to entertain themselves without parental supervision and interaction. French parents may or may not give thought to this. Regardless of the level of reflection, their children are apprenticed to them.

That’s why parenting matters, and why there are important lessons to learn from those who assume that their kids will develop a refined palate from trying all kinds of food from the start.

Video: Early Family Experiences Shape Later Success

“There is strong biological evidence, strong neuroscientific evidence that suggest that early family conditions are powerful in shaping cognitive and non-cognitive skills, and that those determine – to a degree that we didn’t realize before – the later success of a person.”

It is for this reason that Nobel Prize winning economist James Heckman lobbies for investment not just in early childhood programs – but in families with young children.

httpv://youtu.be/NCeOBd4Simo

Social Mobility IMPEDES Social Mobility

The New York Times recently carried an article by Jason DeParle titled Harder for Americans to Rise From the Lower Rungs, which highlights the current challenges of social mobility in the United States as compared to other places, and as compared to other times in history in the United States. Angela Glover Blackwell, founder and CEO of PolicyLink, responded with a letter titled Invitation to a Dialogue: Moving Up in America that develops her theme that: ““Movin’ on up” is especially hard for children born poor and black, or poor and female.”

Both DeParle and Blackwell have disturbing data to report. The long and short of it is that children born to parents in the bottom income quintile have poor odds of leaving that income strata. Furthermore, that quintile is over-represented demographically by women and blacks, who are statistically less likely to progress out of that quintile.

Yet both DeParle and Blackwell are shockingly quiet on what seems to be the obvious effect of social mobility. It is that people leave. Social mobility isn’t just about levels of income. It is about where you live, and with whom you choose to associate. Families that seek to leave cyclical poverty often leave communities of poverty to pursue greater opportunities. They move to a place with less crime, better schools, cleaner neighborhoods and more motivated peers; and if they can’t leave, they seek to send their children to schools outside of the community of poverty. The natural, and inevitable, consequence of social mobility is the increasing concentration of poor individuals and families in the communities they leave behind. In short, social mobility is part of the problem for those for whom social mobility is hardest.

This was clear in my experience teaching in Brooklyn in one of those communities in crisis. One of my African-American colleagues, who had taught in that school for 25 years, counseled any parent with the wherewithal to get their children into a different and better school. “No Child Left Behind” made that easier. Since we were a “school in need of improvement,” every parent had the right to request a transfer to a school-not-in-need-of-improvement. The net effect? The parents who wanted a better education and more opportunities for their kids got them into other schools. In other words, we lost the most exemplary parents and their children. Our school became increasingly concentrated with children who had many of the risk-factors for academic failure: father absence, parental drug abuse, poor nutrition, unstable home life, etc.

If we truly care about social mobility for the poorest Americans, we will have to face squarely these issues:

  1. Parent involvement is the single best predictor of a child’s academic achievement, which in turn is a significant factor in social mobility.
  2. Father absence, which is normal in the poorest communities, is a significant risk factor for health, educational attainment, crime, abuse and neglect, substance abuse, and poverty.

In their earliest years, children are apprenticed to their parents in learning to make their way in the world. If we care about their mobility, we need to care for and support their parents.

England riots: Where WERE the parents 10 years ago?

In the recent riots in England, many have been asking, “Where are the parents?”

Diane Sawyer asked it in this ABC News clip:

It is a good question, but it doesn’t get to the root of the issue. As this Guardian article points out, the reason that parents don’t restrain their kids is that they long ago lost – or abdicated – their authority.

Head teachers’ [Principals’] leader Brian Lightman explained to the BBC:

He warns that too often schools are faced with pupils who have never had any boundaries in their home lives – where there has never been a sense of right and wrong.

“Parents are not willing to say ‘no’. That short, simple word is an important part of any child’s upbringing,” says Mr Lightman, general secretary of the Association of School and College Leaders.

“It’s desperately important that children have a sense of right and wrong. But we often come across children who have never been told that something is wrong.”

Likewise, Prime Minister David Cameron has charged, “There are pockets of our society that are not only broken, but frankly sick.”

Riots take a decade of character formation

How does a pocket of society get to the place of wanton looting? Very slowly.

It takes practice: doing the same thing again and again. Abdicating authority. Refusing to say ‘no.’ Treating children with contempt. Ignoring children. Leaving them to their own devices. If you do these things repeatedly over the course of a decade (or more), you will form the sort of character in a child that says, “We’re doing this to show the police and the rich people that we can do what we want” and that it “is the government’s fault.”

For better (or in this case for worse), children learn from their parents what is normal and normative from the earliest years of life. The question is not just where the parents were over the past week that their children were rampaging on the streets. The question is where they were over the past 10 to 18 years. The answer to that question will point more clearly to the sort of slow, hard solution that is needed.

How to get washboard abs – or a gut

Has it ever occurred to you that you get washboard abs the same way you get a gut?

Both are attained by practice. What you do repeatedly affects the shape of your body – whether arduous ab workouts, or consuming more calories than your body needs.

What does this have to do with parenting?

It is commonly assumed that practice is the pathway to excellence. It is. But it is also the path to mediocrity and failure. What you practice, and how you practice determine which path you’re on.

Many young children are on the path to having a gut before they even lose their baby teeth. They’re practicing a pattern of nutrition and exercise that will result in obesity in all but a few children. Parents (or those who act in their stead) are the chief influences of early childhood nutrition and exercise. We are the ones who establish patterns of practice – patterns which can lead to health or disease.

Balancing Parenting Responsibilities Podcast

Balancing Parenting Responsibilities with Donna Wirth
The human face of Blessed Nest discusses building relationships amidst many parenting and entrepreneurial responsibilities.

This podcast was recorded by Graham Scharf for the Tumblon podcast series. (Click on Balancing Parenting Responsibilities to play the audio in your browser using QuickTime, or “Ctrl”+ click and “save as” to download and listen later.)

Effective discipline podcast

The Break with Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller
The authors of Parenting is Heart Work highlight a parenting technique that addresses the heart.

This podcast was recorded by Graham Scharf for the Tumblon podcast series. (Click on The Break to play the audio in your browser using QuickTime, or “Ctrl”+ click and “save as” to download and listen later.)