Tag Archives: relationships

The Relational Approach

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A child’s early experiences affect every dimension of relationship, learning and health. In The Psych Approach New York Times columnist David Brooks highlights the correlation between adverse child experiences and long term life outcomes. Here’s the thirty thousand foot view: compared to those with no experience of childhood trauma, individuals who had suffered four traumatic childhood experiences were:

  • Seven times more likely to be alcoholics as adults
  • Six times more likely to have had sex before age 15
  • Twice as likely to be diagnosed with cancer
  • Four times as likely to suffer emphysema

“Later research suggested that only 3 percent of students with an ACE score [number of traumatic childhood experiences] of 0 had learning or behavioral problems in school. Among students with an ACE score of 4 or higher, 51 percent had those problems.” In short, your early experiences wire you for life, impacting your relationships, health, and ability to learn and thrive.

David Brooks calls this “The Psych Approach” because it turns attention toward the psychological impacts of “economic, social and family breakdowns.” In terms of treatment, the psych approach is probably a good description. However, with respect to prevention and restoration, The Relational Approach would be a more apt title. To break the patterns of family, social and economic breakdown, we must acknowledge that relationships are paramount – not least the relationship of a child to his or her father.

  • Children in father-absent homes are almost four times more likely to be poor.
  • Infant mortality rates are 1.8 times higher for infants of unmarried mothers than for married mothers.

Brooks concludes his column: “Maybe it’s time for people in all these different fields to get together in a room and make a concerted push against the psychological barriers to success.” It is indeed time for to bring people together to make a push against the relational barriers to human development and flourishing communities.

Inheritance of Hope podcasts

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A few years ago, I had the privilege of interviewing Deric and Kristen Milligan for two podcasts. I was reminded recently of the importance of what they do, and that these audio tracks need to be replayed.

Supporting Struggling Families with Deric Milligan
The founder of Inheritance of Hope helps listeners understand how to care for families enduring terminal illness.

Talking to Kids about Death with Kristen Milligan
The author of A Train’s Rust, A Toymaker’s Love (a mother of three, who has a rare form of cancer) shares personal experiences on using literature to talk with kids about mortality.

Is Failure the Key to Success?

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Paul Tough’s recent cover story in the New York Times Magazine titled What if the Key to Success is Failure? makes a strong case for the importance of character in education. With masterful style, he tells how two educational leaders  of very different schools have collaborated to help their students develop character.

The article has rightly garnered attention and reaction from major news outlets and influential thinkers. Tough has touched a nerve. He has put into words what others feel.

Paul Tough is the author of Whatever it Takes: Geoffrey Canada’s Quest to Change Harlem and America. The brilliance of that book is the second chapter: Unequal Childhoods (although the whole book is fantastic). In Unequal Childhoods he chronicles the importance of what happens in the home long before children enter school. And he wisely recognizes that perhaps the cornerstone and linchpin of the Harlem Children’s Zone’s success is its Baby College with engages and empowers parents from before birth.

Here is the pressing question: If the earliest years are so critical for brain building that the achievement gap exist long before children enter school, is it possible that the same is true of character? Could it be that a child’s character is significantly formed in this period? Could it be that the formation of character in the earliest years is at the very heart of the education crisis?

Character, Competence, Creativity & Collaboration

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Parents exert singular influence on their children’s development during the earliest years of life in four key areas:

  1. Character. The most significant role of early nurture is to form the character of children. How people treat one another is the very foundation of a just society – the kind of place in which the following three traits flourish. Without the baseline of a just society – which begins in a just family – the other aims of nurture (competence, creativity, and collaboration) can be used in ways that destroy communities rather than building them.
  2. Competence. After virtue, competence is paramount to the flourishing individuals and relationships. In fact, character and competence cannot be separated. A person cannot be virtuous without demonstrating hard work, integrity, and persistence – qualities that begin to form around age 1 when a child can learn to put his toys away.
  3. Creativity. Competence and creativity, too, are intertwined. To be competent in anything implies a measure of creativity and problem solving. In a home where creativity and innovation are intentionally cherished, children solve problems in new ways and develop life-long patterns of innovation. 
  4. Collaboration. A team is more than the sum of its parts; and children learn to work in teams (with parents and siblings!) from their earliest years. Together families that are marked by character, competence and creativity create the kind of environment where everyone wants to be.