Tag Archives: Stories

How to engage parents without being condescending

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Yesterday I had an astute mother and educator ask a profoundly important question: “How can I engage poor parents without being condescending?”

This friend is a teacher in a thriving charter school; she is also the mother of a nine-month old and the member of a moms’ group. However, as she pointed out to me, all of the moms in her moms’ group are of the same social strata (and they’re not poor). She knows from experience – in the home and in school – that what happens in the home in the earliest years of life is critical for setting a trajectory of learning. So how can we engage disadvantaged parents without looking down on them?

Honor Their Virtue

The first step in not being condescending is realizing that honor is more appropriate than condescension. For whom is it more difficult to participate in a moms’ group: the articulate, college-educated mom, or the single, poor, poorly educated mom? The courage to put yourself in a situation where you know that everyone else has more of everything (education, money, power, connections, etc.) for the good of your child is a truly honorable act of humility and courage. It should be honored as such.

But what if they’re not making ANY effort?

It is easy enough to see the beauty of a poor parent who overcomes obstacles to love their children. But what about the parents who just don’t seem to care?

If I’m not mistaken, every person – no matter how disfigured – has a story. It may seem like they have nothing else to offer. But everyone has a story. Listening to the stories of parents is a powerful way to avoid condescension for several reasons. It validates that they have something unique and valuable to share. No one else has their story. When parents share their stories, my sympathy skyrockets. If I was looking down on them a few minutes ago, when I hear their stories my heart breaks for them because my previous perspective was so shallow compared to the depth of their pain. Once I have heard a parent’s story, I can truly admire and celebrate – without pretense – the steps that they take toward loving and nurturing their children.

The challenge is bringing parents together to share their stories.

Initiation, Indoctrination and Indwelling

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Initiation
Early childhood is the initiation of a child into a way of being in the world. All of a child’s early experiences teach him how to navigate the social context into which he is born. For example, Martin Luther King Jr. was well prepared by family nurture to acknowledge and address the injustices of his time.

Indoctrination
The process of initiation is also one of indoctrination, not in the pejorative sense of brainwashing, but in the old, historic definition: “to instruct especially in the fundamentals or rudiments,” or, more simply, “to teach.” In the earliest years, children learn the fundamentals of how to be human.

Indwelling
Every child is born into the story of a family and community. She becomes a character in a living story, and thus indwells a story – as Ruby Bridges did from an early age in the struggle for civil rights.

What’s your story?

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There is a story behind every book, and The Apprenticeship of Being Human is no exception. It is a very personal story.

Teacher
In 2002, I left a rewarding job with a talented team in the financial services to join the New York City Teaching Fellows.  My wife (who was, at that time a medical student) and I were already living in a poor area of Brooklyn, NY. I sought placement in a local public school just a few minutes walk from our apartment, where I taught second and third grades.

I have lived in the bush of rural Uganda where militias frequently travel the unpaved roads, and I can honestly say that teaching 32 third-graders was harder. In my first week of teaching, I sat down with one student and asked him to read this word to me: “Hi.” He knew the letters, but couldn’t read the word. Multiply that experience by 32, add social pathologies, and you have a very good sense of my experience (with a full nine weeks of graduate school under my belt). As I tried to learn to teach in this context, I began asking questions: What had happened early in life that a third grader couldn’t decode a two letter word? When did the deficits emerge? What factors contribute to educational success or failure?

Father
In the midst of my teaching tenure, I became a father. My first daughter, Elisabeth, was born in the same neighborhood where my students lived, but experienced the world in dramatically different ways. This prompted a new line of questions: What role does the family play in learning? How could parents in poor neighborhoods promote learning?

When Elisabeth was 18 months old, I took a child care leave from the Department of Education to be a full-time father while my wife did a three-year residency in pediatrics. That transition brought a host of new questions. What is normal for an 18 month old? What will she enjoy? How do I know if and when I should be concerned about her development?

Entrepreneur
My experience of full-time parenting forced me to seek solutions. Where could I find timely, reliable child development information? I found lots of information, but it took a lot of time and effort to locate it – to say nothing for putting it into practice. I saw a tremendous business opportunity to provide simple, reliable, customized developmental information to parents of young children through the web. I didn’t have the skills to make it a reality, but my childhood best friend Jonathan Dahl did. So, together we launched Tumblon in November 2008, the only online service to allow parents of young children to interact with their children’s developmental milestones. (This 2 minute tour shows how it works.)

Writer
I began writing a featured blog on Tumblon called Essential Questions that explores the central issues of child development, education and civil society. (If any of the questions I’ve mentioned above piqued you interest, you can find my pursuit of answers in Essential Questions.) In the process, I found that there was another compelling need: to provide a generative metaphor that helps parents, educators, health professionals, activists, and policymakers to understand and simply communicate why early childhood parenting is so critical to health, education and civil society. The apprenticeship of being human is that metaphor.